I've always struggled with commitment.

For most part of my life I was always wishing to grow up faster, to be old enough to test new boundaries, to escape the banality of being present in the moment. I was a wild child - never wanting to stay at the same place for too long, always wanting to run everywhere, and often finding that I eventually was going nowhere.

I've lived so much of my life in the security knowing eventually I was a bird that was going to fly free. Never mind that my wings weren't developed, never mind if I never knew what direction in the vast skies I was heading off to.

I used to never see myself in one fixed place. When people asked if I could see a future with the person I was in a relationship previously, I could never commit to an answer because I didn't want to be shackled by my expectations, or theirs.

I'm suddenly at a stage of my life where I feel like maybe I don't have to always look for an escape.

Maybe there's an alternative to running away, and it's staying and seeing what you can be if you let yourself stay.

It's premature to say this really, but as we're nearing our 2.5 months of being together, I realised I've never been more at peace with myself. I'm not the 21 year old who makes ridiculous request and make a fuss out of nothing just to get things go my way. I'm not the 20 year old constantly picking on your flaws, trying to change you into the kind of guy I wish I was with. And I'm most definitely not the 19 year old girl who had no clue what she even wanted in life.

Sure, there are moments I feel like I'm suffocating. There are times I feel like I've never been so lonely. There are instances I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of endless doubts. And there are days I feel like I'm never going to be good enough to be with you.

But at the end of the week when we finally get together, I look to a new week and I think about all the things I want to eventually go through with you, and how in two or three years time I could be living the kind of life I've always picture, turning my fantasy into reality, with you.

It's funny because I think no one ever expected us to get together at all? Not even myself. I'm too quick to speak my mind, often living in my own bubble, too restless and too unrestrained. Honestly, I wasn't really sure what I wanted out of this when we first started, but I find that what keeps me going now is the realisation that maybe I can be just like everyone else, trying to settle down and believing that I'm on my way to something better. ♥︎

the loneliest place;

I believe there is penance in yearning. There is poverty in giving too much of your heart. When your desire for another is not returned in equal measure — nothing in the world could compensate for the shortfall. Sometimes the loneliest place to be is in love.

—LANG LEAV

My ideal kind of relationship is one where I can be so comfortable with being myself when I'm with you I don't have to worry about the things I say to you. It's one where I can tell you every single thing in my life - from minute details like what should I wear tomorrow, should I get strawberry or mango or vanilla flavoured yoghurt, to important decisions like whether or not I should encourage my mum to go for hysterectomy.

I want to include you in every decision making moment in my life.

I want to be with someone who I don't have to hide from, in any way. Whether it's my morning face when I'm all puffed from water retention, an embarrassing story to tell about something on my way home, or an ambition I've had since I was six.

At times I feel that you're not interested in participating at all, perhaps you're just too tired from work, so I start to learn to make decisions on my own.

Sometimes you make random comments about things I say or do. I don't show it, but I get fiercely conscious about it. Seriously, who tells you "I guess you are really the clingy kind of girl hor" at 6 in the morning wtf??? And then when I ask if it burdens you you said you're "just saying"??? I mean, there must be a reason why people state the obvious right? .__.

And the ultimate turn off is when you say "forget it" then proceed with an "ugh" and turn away. Err hello, am I not worth a second try? am I not worth fighting for?

The list of irritations could really go on and on and on. And in the midst of me feeling increasingly annoyed by things like these, I asked myself what is it that I really want.

I don't want to feel like I'm being judged by the person I'm planning to spend the rest of my life with.

I guess every relationship comes to a point where you're so familiar with each other you sort of expect them to make the same mistakes but yet purposely set them up to fail. Sometimes I wonder why I still hold you to such standards despite being aware that you will never meet my expectations.

It's so silly, isn't it?

I once wondered if the solution to all of this is just to not have any expectations of each other so I will never feel irritated, but what kind of life would be if you're just perpetually aiming for nothing?

I think the key is probably not to have unrealistic expectations and probably talk it out?

and. stop. thinking. of. all. these. poisonous. thoughts.

I don't think there's anything we can work on at this point tbh - you're always so mentally drained after work and I really don't have the heart to tax you further by having these talks. And even if we do, I always feel that you're mentally ready to counter back me with your "adult logic" and it'll most likely end with "you're still young and naive" bla bla bla, and that will further irritate me even more. -.- You're probably always going to be more excited talking about Mercedes Benz, Jaguar and audio system and we will end up watching TopGear when all I ever watch in my entire life is sit-coms like HIMYM or Big Bang Theory. 

Which is okay I guess, because you are not a robot programmed to cater to my every whim and fancy and it's not like I don't do irritating things too. I'm always grumpy after I wake up from sleep and I need about an hour or so to get back to the usual me. I'm always going to be indecisive when we have to decide where to eat and I'm forever going to be irritating in the sense that I always end up NOT ordering anything on my own and eat/drink whatever you order instead.

Actually nothing dramatic even happened to us. I guess I'm so bored of people who are always writing about only the good parts in their relationship and I didn't want to be one of them.

This post is written with no proofreading or rearrangements that's why it's messy and grammatically improper but it's so that in probably a few months time when I'm irritated with you again, I will read what I wrote today and remember why I stayed anyway.

Because having said all of this incoherent nonsense, I'm still grateful for you. I think in life sometimes we run out of fuel. And it makes more sense to push your car to the petrol kiosk and top up your tank than to set fire to your car and watch it all burn up in flames.

I'm glad that the car we have is a two tank car because I realised when I am low on fuel, yours is enough to get us by. I hope we will never ever get to the stage where we both run out of fuel lol but I guess if that happens we can both get out of our seats and push the car to the petrol station. :)

if i could;

a Monday kind of love

the kind that we both roll over and pull ourselves out of bed for work, tired and groggy, but sit at the table to eat your cereal while I watch you from the couch. Partially dreading the five long days ahead of us, but also excited for a fresh start and the chance to get so much accomplished. You say your goodbyes, give me a tight hug and a peck on my cheek as you lock the door while I head in opposite directions. Losing each other in our rearview mirrors, but knowing we will see each other again soon.

a Tuesday kind of love

the kind that is directionless. You still don't know where the week will take you, but you're still going forward. A Tuesday kind of love is reality. It's paying the bills and running errands. It's conversation about what your boss did and what's expected of you this week. It's looking at each other saying, "we can do this."

a Wednesday kind of love

the kind that feels like we've almost made it, but that we're in a rut. It's the kind of day that tests you, the day that shows your strengths and weaknesses. It's the excitement of closing in on the end of the week, with the history of Monday and Tuesday behind us. It's the kind of love where you dance around the kitchen and sing along to your favourite songs.

a Thursday kind of love

Thursday is a date night kind of night. The week is almost behind you and the weekend in nearly here. A Thursday love is comfortable; you've made it through the rough stuff already. A Thursday love is a deeper kind of love. It tells you're almost there, just one more day, then you have freedom. A Thursday kind of love ties up loose ends, while leading you straight to new beginnings.

a Friday kind of love

the love that is fun, the love you yearn for. A Friday kind of love is the feeling of having endless possibilities and opportunities. You never know what the weekend could bring, but you're always filled with hope for the best. It's the kind of day where anything could happen, but either way you are happy and you are thankful.

a Saturday kind of love

a love that is busy or relaxed. You can make the day whatever you choose. You can sit on your porch and drink your morning coffee before going on a walk through the neighbourhood or heading to morning yoga. You have the freedom to go to your favourite cafe for brunch, or go to the town's biggest mall for some window shopping. A Saturday love is whatever you make it out to be, but it's always together.

a Sunday kind of love

the kind of love you roll over in the morning and have nothing scheduled all day. You can lie in bed until noon or wake up and cuddle on the couch watching back-to-back movies. A Sunday kind of love feels effortless; it's not Tuesday kind of love where reality hits you. A Sunday love feels like home. Waking up tangled in sheets together, looking into each other's eyes, laughing about what Saturday night might have brought. A Sunday love feels invincible, even though you know Monday is right around the corner. A Sunday love is beautiful, just like every other day of the week.

-

Before falling in love with me, you must know about the constant meltdowns and the night of endless tears. You must know about my damaged heart and my broken soul. Be aware that I never sleep at night and sometimes I talk in my sleep. You must know about my need for your love as well as my distant personality and constant fear of losing you. And the way I eat too fast for my own good.

But once you fall in love with that part of me, you can fall in love with my tender smile and warm embrace. You can fall in love with the way I'll warm your hands in mine and tickle your feet with my toes. You can fall in love with the way I'll make you soup when you're sick and how I'll kiss you when you get hurt. Fall in love with the way I laugh and the soft spoken words of encouragement I'll give to you. You can either fall in love with me as a whole or not love me at all.

- Julie Martinez

***

I'm perfectly flawed. There's a word for it - imperfection, and it's not something I've ever been able to accept. The strive for perfection has been a struggle my entire life. Be the perfect friend. Be the perfect daughter. Be that perfect girl. 

But none of that is ever attainable.

Perfection doesn't exist.

But he told me that I am perfect in his eyes.

That's why on my strive to be perfect for him, I lost pieces of me that I loved.

I guess he was right when he told me I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know that what I wanted was to be able to be vulnerable with someone without judgement. That I wanted to be accepted for the spirit that lays beneath my physical body. That I needed to start breathing again.

***

You don't tell me mushy things like "you're perfect just the way you are" like how he did. Girls love hearing things like that. I liked (and still do) it too.

Instead, you tell me all my flaws, like how little I know about Internal Medicine, how muscular my thighs are, how coarse my hair is and how much it falls all over your pillow and bedsheets. You tell me I have a pair of big brown eyes ... , flat nose bridge AND a big mouth. You laugh when there's acne on my face and point it out when my eyebrows are out of shape. 

It made me more conscious about myself, and sometimes it irritates me too because hey, if you're bothered about it so much, go look for a better girl then.

But it also gives me weird sense of relief/comfort.

Because you see all the things that I hate about myself and have tried so badly to hide, but still choose to stay.

You see the groggy, cranky side of me at 5-ish in the morning but still tell me that I'm beautiful even when I have unruly bed hair and snot in my eyes, and patiently wake me up with smooches all over my face ♥︎

You complain about me being whiny and tell me I'm troublesome all the time, (which is totally unfathomable because I have never made you do anything at all okay!) , yet you still try your best to put up with my messy thoughts and insecurities, and attend to my need for constant attention even when you're already dead tired from work.

You are not the kind of guy who pay attention to tiny details - like how I style my hair differently today, or the scent I wear, but I can tell that you actually take note of every single thing I say and that's all that matters because all I ever need from you, is your attention.

You argue with me about my take on homosexuality, and many other social issues that we randomly discuss about. You tell me that at 24, I still think like a kid who lives in a world full of fairytales but sadly fairytales don't exist. You tell me that reality is harsh, so is life. Instead of telling me that you'll protect me so that I can live a princess life -  the way how everyone I've met before you had told me, you tell me that it's time to grow up and live in the real world.

Every now and then it dawns on me how different we both are from each other - we are almost at the extremes of both spectrums. The only similarity we both share in common is that we are both high in ego. We are going to have different opinions in so many things and with this said, there will be a lot of disputes because nobody's gonna give in first.

But as much as the future (that I picture) horrifies me, I'm actually starting to like our life together. I'm still learning how to love the way you need to be loved, and I hope you are too.

130316;

-

My dad is a typical man who thinks that it's a wife's duty to serve her husband. Now don't get me wrong. My dad and I are in good terms and I love him with all my heart but I remember growing up trying all my best to stop my mum from following all his orders because I don't like the idea of it. Why does she has to bring you water? The kitchen is just a few steps away, couldn't you have done it by yourself? To me, it's implying that women have to serve men because they have lesser authority, they earn lesser than them, and therefore being perceived weaker than men.

I see my mum as an aspiring role model in life. She's a full time working mum, fiercely independent economically and emotionally. I'm proud of her for that.

It's not like my mum is wholly dependent on my dad. She never had to beg, or even request anyone for anything because she earns her own bucks. If she likes it, she'd get it on her own. So why is she feeling that she's obliged to do whatever my dad says? Like stand up for yourself already, mum! I get mad and upset each time I think about it and with that in mind, I constantly tell myself to never ever allow myself to be in such position. 

Last night I was sitting on the edge of your bed, listening to the gentle rise and fall of your breath as you sleep. As I look at your face, I finally understood why my mum willingly oblige to all my dad's (I call it OKU) needs. She must have felt the same way I felt when you collapsed on your bed last night, completely exhausted after work, mumbling that you needed a good massage.

In the past I was dominated by this inner voice that tells me: "Don't be a fool.", "Don't let him know how much you like him.", "Don't tell him what you're really thinking."

But not this time; not when I'm with you.

With you I'm far better off being vulnerable.

I guess that's what people do when they truly love someone more than you love yourself - 

you'd go extra miles to take care of him just to make sure he feels better. 

snaps;

note: some snaps have corrupted parts and I can't seem to fix it idk why. :/

(one)

• En's birthday! I'm the kind of person who thinks birthdays deserve the greatest celebration of all because hey it's the day you are born! But at the same time, it doesn't mean that we should show them love only on this special day. I think I shower him with enough love and attention, (money and energy too *coughs En are you reading this lol) on normal days that are not his birthday. So on his birthday whilst everyone else is busy, I brought him out to change his mobile data plan and took him out for a nice coffee at this quiet coffee joint near home.
• and then attended not one, but TWO high school reunions! It was great catching up with everyone!
• came back really late that night and Gin came for a sleepover because I had to leave the next day afternoon and we hadn't spent much time since we were both busy with CNY family gatherings and what nots. 

(two)

• spent my birthday weekend in Penang and I was spoilt with flowers and gifts! Thanks love, for giving me so much of your time and effort! ♥︎
• the classmates threw me a not-so-surprise-belated-surprise birthday party! Almost half of the class made it! They picked such a romantic place and did I mention that they personally decorated the tables too??  I have the sweetest friends ever!! 

(three)

• finally visited Alor Setar tower. The wind was so strong! We were lucky to be able to catch the sunset view and needless to say, it was beautiful! 

(four)

• R and I recently discovered a new hangout place in the hospital. It's quiet, cold and it has all the reference we need. It's our favourite place to go now (after Paeds ward heh) 
• there are many vending machines in the hospital but there's this one particular machine that dispense the best coffee we can ever find! one night when we had to do our final night call duty in Paeds posting, we saw the maintenance uncle fixing it so we ended up stalking the vending machine uncle cause we lifeless and 'mouliu' like that! :P
• also went ward hopping (from Paeds to Medical to Gynae!) and met patients who were such sweethearts.

(five)

• went home last weekend because 1. change of posting so nothing much to do (actually more like don't want to do anything lol), 2. it was Gin's birthday!
• so we prepared a surprise birthday party for her, which albeit some mistakes and unforeseen circumstances, turned out great. It was everything a girl dreams of having - fairy lights, balloons, home cooked food, special guests and meaningful decorations/props. The set up was amazing (couldn't emphasise this enough!!!!) and the company was great. Mike went all out for her doing this for her and it's heartwarming to see my BFF to be loved this way. :')
• tried Acai Bowl for the first time and I'm loving' it!!!! more reasons to go home more often now!!! 
• oh and I had a haircut! :p

(six)

• the day before I had to come back to Kedah, En miraculously agreed to ditch his dota and spent the whole day out walking around KL city centre aimlessly! 
• parents promised to take us out for dinner that night but they got home really late that night due to heavy rain + weekend traffic. I was on the verge of flipping table cause I hangry wtf and then I bloat myself up with too much water while waiting for them so I ended up too full after dinner. 
• the lil' bro and I then went for a walk around our residential area. I love how safe our new home is, it makes me feel like we are living in the outskirts of town/overseas where we don't have to worry about random-suspicious-strangers-on-street-who-might-end-up-chasing-after-your-money
• burned some energy annoying him hahaha. I love how he gets annoyed every time I spam him on snapchat/try to capture him on snapchat. It was definitely a right decision to go home.  ♥︎  

midnight thoughts;

I’m settling to a new sort of comfort. It makes me a little hyper, and a little drenched - I guess that’s what sleep deprivation and 5 mugs of green tea a day does to you.

I was told you can only get “Finally, where have you been all my life?" feeling once. But tonight proved, that the second time around might make you realize why it didn’t work out with the first. 

This heart was ready to settle. No more, I say, no more of being reckless with feelings. Too many often gave me a perspective of alternative; what if, he wants to be with you, but you refuse to acknowledge that people have feelings too. And not everyone is out to hurt you. 

Coping mechanism, fear of the past, fear of the future, whatever that may be. I have finally found the courage to stop myself from these chaotic nights, saying goodbye to convenience.

It’s time. 

It’s about time I go through the adventure, the freefalls, the hardships, the compromises.

Goodbye wild child.

CNY updates;

1. THIS!!! ♥︎♥︎♥︎

Indeed, good things come to those who wait. Daddy got me this as my birthday gift. There's a story behind this but let's not bore you with too much details.

2. Decided that blogger is still a better platform for blogging compared to Dayre because a) no character limitations so no need to break my updates into few posts, b) I feel it's much easier to type with a laptop(?)

3. Documented my first few day of CNY using snapchat. :)

#1

#2

#3

4. Class resumed as usual on Valentine's day and this week I'm posted in the ward which we have to reach the hospital by 0630am for ward rounds. It's only the 2nd working day of the week and I'm already tired (.___.) but hey, my birthday is in a few days time! :D

quickie;

It's always blissful to be home. 

I've recently gotten quite addicted to snapchat. It's pretty convenient to commemorate (both important and unimportant) moments in life. :)

(one)

• Met up with Gin for a (really late) CNY shopping 
• Tried out this salad joint in Avenue K and IT WAS DA BOMBDIGGITY! (Y)
• Spent a rainy Saturday afternoon sipping green tea while my musically inclined brothers serenade me with random medleys. ♥︎
• Then when the rain stopped I went for a walk. Did you hear the birds chirping? 

(two)

• Finally got my Fossil watch strap changed! Waited for one holy year for the correct order to arrive please. They couldn't change it for me on the spot and told me to go all the way to PJ service centre. How not to be annoyed you tell me. -.- On CNY eve, Qian and I went to Setapak Central (which has h&m and it's only 10 mins away btw, how convenient!) to kill time before my relatives arrive. Decided to try my luck in this random watch shop and look who got a new watch strap/bracelet now!!!! Absolutely loving the elegance in metal bracelet but wearing it is such a struggle. :/ I think I'll stick with leather strap next time. 
• Reunion dinner was ... meh. But the get-together was fun! Had our annual drinking session with the siblings and got a little tipsy after that. We finished 5 bottles of red wine in 2 hours! :O
• ...which explains our sakai behaviour in the snap above. We were probably the noisiest in the neighbourhood last night. :p
• I bought myself a pair of TsumTsum pyjamas. (don't judge lol) It's a little kiddish looking but it's from Uniqlo and it's really comfy! 

February's gift;

⎡Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world; Today I am wise, so I am changing myself⎦

It's the first day of my birthday month.

I hope for only good things to happen.

***

There is a simplicity in happiness. 

It’s a form of contentment that holds no expectations. It is the kiss from a lover, a brush from a cat, a lick of a dog or the harmony of a song that strums with the energies of your heart. It comes unexpectedly – sometimes its meeting brief, sometimes it lasts much longer. But you know somehow, you know when it makes an entrance and then you start to smile. It isn’t always a wide toothed smile, neither is it one that has to invoke laughter. It is as simple as its meaning yet secretive in its many mysterious ways. A smile often holds a secret – sometimes shared, sometimes merely yours, or it could in fact be in plain sight, just unconsciously aware

Today it is here. After a night of horrid emotions and a morning of strange bizarre dreams. A smile ever so simple, so tiny – it stays almost buried.

Today I am happy. 

Today I am content. 

And today I feel blessed.

It’s hard to say why, or to explain the mechanics of this moment but it hit me so fast, yet so tender in its embrace. A moment of rocking on the carpet, the light whiff of patchouli, the whirring of the ceiling fan, and the sounds of my Spotify... they all merged swiftly together in a reminder of what I am and where I am, and then I smiled. A smile so vague, it would seem almost melancholic – even to me

Strange.

For a moment I wondered to myself. Was it indeed a sad smile? A smile of accepted resignation perhaps? Then I closed my eyes and a bubble of quiet laughter escaped my lips. It is in truth the smile of simple contentment and like the gentle lapping of waves against the shore, it brings with it the simplistic joy and happiness that many often assume unattainable.

Today I am happy.

Today I am content.

And truth be told, there is no secret. Happiness really is as simple as it seems.