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I know everyone is so sick of emo posts but I promise you this is the last one I will ever write.. At least for the time being. I just need to get all this out of my system. 

It’s funny the situations you get yourself into sometimes. You wake up one day thinking everything is fine and dandy and that they were just like they were the day before, and then oops, no, you actually "broke up" with your ex-boyfriend of so-many-years-that-you-actually-lost-count.

And that’s how I woke up every morning.

It’s a terrible way to wake up I must admit. For lack of a better phrase, it feels like I wake up on the wrong side of the bed EVERY.SINGLE.DAMN.DAY.

So before I begin this incredibly long post on everything and nothing, I need to say this first. This is not written to justify my actions in any way and I don’t feel like I need to do so to anyone but to him and myself. I don’t even know why I’m writing this post actually. For closure? What closure, when I was the one who made this decision? I don’t know. In fact I seem to not know anything anymore these days. Anyway, I will begin.

M and I have had the most perfect relationship anyone could have ever asked for. We were certain we both found our The Ones, our soulmates, our love of our lives. We were perfect together and anyone who knows us can attest to that. We shared the same sense of humor, the same intellectual and not-so-intellectual interests and the same everything. Even if we didn’t, we accommodated each other and molded ourselves to be the other person’s other half. But maybe that’s how the problem started.

8 years of your life is a very long time, especially when you are only 23 and have barely lived. Perhaps we got together way too young when we weren’t even really sure who we are and what we want to be. And I think as time went by, this realization dawned upon me further.

Contrary to popular belief that the person who breaks it off does not feel the emotional hurt and pain, it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Sure, my best friend may not have liked him very much, but it wasn't because he mistreated me or was a total jackass. In fact, it was the otherwise. He was an amazing boyfriend. In those long years we were together, he never cared and loved me any less, he never for a moment not put me above everything else. The more I think about how perfect he was, the harder it was for me to make this decision. The more I think about how perfect OUR relationship was, the more it ate into me everyday for wanting something else.

But I knew I wasn’t happy anymore when I kept waking up to doubts and what-ifs everyday. I knew it was too selfish of me if I continued holding on to him because of the familiarity and comfort, and not because of love.

I realized after breaking up with the love of my life that I wasn’t remotely happier than how I thought I’d be. I spent days all cooped up in my room crying my eyes out being angry at myself for not being stronger than this. If I had wanted it, if I was cruel enough to break someone’s heart and hurt him so bad, then why couldn’t I fucking gather myself together and face the world?

Because I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. At that point, I really didn’t know anything anymore. I felt like I lost such a big part of myself and I didn’t know if it was even alright for me to feel hurt when I was the bitch in this situation. I’ve never felt so alone because not only had I lost my boyfriend whom I shared everything with, I’d lost my most loyal confidant. I’d lost that one person I know who knows me better than I know myself, that one person who never judges, that one person who will always stand by me no matter what.

Most importantly, I’d lost my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

I was really confused then. I thought I wanted this, but why did it hurt so bad? I wanted that security and comfort zone, but I also wanted so many other things in life. But I knew I can’t have my cake and eat it too.

So I guess in the end, that was it. I already made the decision, now the only thing I can do is to live with it. I don’t know what’s in store for me, for him, or for us in the future, but I know that I only have fond memories of the time we’ve spent together and I will cherish them forever.

I thought about my decision for months, it wasn’t something I decided at whim. There were too many factors to consider and when the biggest factor holding me back was me being afraid of what others might think of me, I knew I wasn’t in this for the right reasons anymore.

Well since I’m writing this and since I’m divulging so much information about myself already anyway, I really can’t be bothered with what people want to take of this and what others will think of me anymore. I know no matter what, I’ll be perceived as the cruel bitch who decided to let go of something others may never find in their entire lifetime in pursuit of more selfish needs.

Eventhough I was really confused, trust me, I know exactly what I was getting myself into.

I don’t know what else is there to say anymore and I’ve written what I felt and feel as objectively and as honestly as I could here. I’m certainly not looking for sympathy, nor am I seeking for approval.

It’s been a few months since we go separate ways and we are both doing quite well in life now. The last I heard he's happily attached to someone else. It’s still really hard for me sometimes when I think of the dreams and future we’ve built together, when I walk past familiar places with fond memories, when I see old pictures of us, when I watch movies or listen to songs we both liked... but I guess we did spend a great deal of our lives with each other so it will be incredibly hard.

We’ve walked an amazing journey together and it has made us both who we are today. I will not for one second trade the moments I’ve had with you for anything in the world, because I know I may never ever find them again. I know there is a lot of growing up for me to do and I know I will continue falling and hurting myself in the process. I took a huge risk when I let go of the love of my life, but I will walk this lonely journey ahead with my head held high.

Thank you, for giving me the best years of my life. I know somewhere in my heart, there will always be a place that has your name engraved on it.