reset;

⎡Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts. ⎦ 

⎯ Edgar Allan Poe

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bali '15

It's nice that I always have this cozy virtual space where I can place my thoughts and emotions ... but the fact that I somehow tend to come at the wrongest time doesn't seem quite appropriate. I mean, I have my Orthopaedics EOP viva voce tomorrow morning and I have barely started my revision at all, but here I am typing away because the sound (and the action) of keyboard typing is so therapeutic that I feel as my finger taps on the letter, the keyboard kinda take my sorrows away. Should I quit med school and start looking for a job as a clerk instead?

2015, was in its entirety, a year of unexpected contradictions, discovery, and growth.

I recently watched a clip of Jada Pinkett Smith with her daughter and she explained the word "paradox" as "when the two opposites are true". 

2015 was contradictory because the year felt endless yet, went by in a flash. I may be too young to say that I've never been so broken in my entire life because heck, I'm only 23 (turning 24 in 1.5 months) and I don't want to sound like an overly dramatic teenage girl, but it was this brokenness that made me felt so blessed. I never felt so unloved yet have never been more loved. 

Despite the way the love of my life of 8 years and I miserably ended our complicated/messy chapter, I became closer to everyone else in my life. 

I've become transparent to my family so that's a whole new level of milestone unlocked. I've never felt so emotionally attached to my brothers. It's always been good with En, but with Qian, it's like... that hole created when he left to Singapore 10 years ago finally got patched back.

Gin and I are stepping into our 10th year of friendship this year and I'm ultimately grateful for her. I knew that she's important to me and I know it even better now after this year. I don't think there's anyone else in the world who would text "I'm otw to your place" impromptu at 11 o' clock at night. She told me she came because she was free, but I knew it was because she just didn't want me to be alone. ♥ 

In 2015 I was also able to travel and discover the beauty of Bali. It was a short 4D3N trip that was half occupied with Gin's school work but we had fun nevertheless, alongside with sand in my hair AND ears. 

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The paradox of life is indeed that we are free to choose, but will never be free from the consequences of our choices. And the challenge is never in making those defining choices, but enduring the aftermath and accepting the brutal reality after stepping out from your comfort zone.

I think by the mid-twenties many of us had been through a couple of relationships, the joys and pains, and because of that pain, our first instinct is to try and forget about the person who caused it. But really, we shouldn’t, because all relationships, good and bad, provide important, valuable lessons. I need to remind myself of that.

There is always something to gain despite being hurt. Keep the positive things close, while moving ahead. It’s not one or the other. Grow through that relationship, and you’ll use that growth in the future.

Uncertainty scares me, but I am rather excited for what lies ahead of me. 

I cannot let fear prevent me from moving forward.